After grief.

Even when you go through something ridiculously painful, life still continues, kids still grow up, days still go on. Since the loss of my baby 5 weeks ago I have been trying my hardest to move on and learn and grow from this experience. I have chosen to focus on the hope and peace that can be found in such a hard circumstance. But I only chose to focus on this after I felt anger, confusion, devastation, loneliness, heartache and physical pain. All of those emotions were real and present at full force. I honestly think the only thing that would be harder than this would be to loose a living child. But I went through the feelings and emotions of grief and I feel like I am able to move on. Time doesn't heal these wounds but it does make it easier to see the big picture.

The outpouring of love and support from my family and friends has been overwhelming. I've had people show up at my house with flowers, meals, cards, and just to talk. Its unbelievable how much love I have felt. They were all truly inspired to come see me. And its interesting because I would have never known certain things about these ladies who came to visit me, each of them having experienced a loss like this in the past. It was like an opportunity to bond and connect. I think so many have gone through this and don't talk about it. It's not something that is brought up in conversation. But we have lost something so precious, that deserves to be mentioned sometimes, when it's needed.

I have felt this baby close to me so often. I feel so close to heaven. I feel so lucky to get to have a little angel with me all the time, thats pretty special. I decided I wanted to write a children's book about miscarriages. I wrote it from the perspective of the baby in heaven talking to its mother. It's about eternal families and hope and peace. I'm really excited about it! But I owe all the inspiration for this project to my sweet baby, who I'm positive was with me as I wrote it. It's in publication so I'll update as soon as it's done!

As hard as this experience has been, I am grateful for all that I have learned about myself, Christ, and the people who have reached put to me. I hope I can one day help someone going though this and share what I have learned. I'm looking forward to trying again and hopefully being able to bring more spirits into our family!