too perfect for earth

My way of working through things is to talk and write. This post is extremely personal and I'm really writing it for me. To help heal.

I lost my baby. I got to carry it with me for a short time, but I created a spirit. I felt that spirit every day. The pain I feel is real and will never fully go away. I was 11 weeks pregnant, just enough time to really picture our lives together. Just enough time to really get excited. And then it was taken away and I never knew my heart could hurt so much. I also never knew how close to heaven I could be. I can almost touch it. I wrote a letter to this sweet baby in heaven so I could try to say what I feel.



Dear Baby Tao,
When daddy and I found out you were in my tummy, I cried with excitement. I was scared but knew that Heavenly Father wanted you in this family. I began to see your life with us. I saw you with your brothers and sisters playing and laughing. I saw your sweet fingers and toes. I thought about all the moments moms have when their babies are born, and I couldn't wait to have you here snuggled on my chest, hearing my heart beat.
    Now you are back with your Heavenly Father. He needed you more than I did. It makes me smile to know that when you opened your eyes up there, the first thing you saw was the face of Jesus. I hope he is holding you. I hope he is telling you about me. I hope he sings you the songs I would have sung to you. I hope that you can see us and you see how much we wanted you. I hope you are as excited to meet us as we are to meet you. We will meet you! Please know that. We are here in this life for such a short time. Please look out for this family and be with my children. It's okay to visit us from time to time. :)
    I feel so lucky to get to be your mom. You came and left so silently. I carried you for such a short time, but could feel your love and I saw your heart beat. I've been told that you were too perfect for this world, too good to have to be here in this life. That makes me feel so grateful that you are mine forever. What a blessing that you chose us for your family. What an honor. I will miss you every day, but feel comfort knowing that you just get Heaven before we do. I will think about you and miss you every day until I get to see you again. You are so loved. So loved. You are perfect and you made my life better. You have a very special place in my heart and I will hold you there until I can hold you in my arms. We love you more than words can say.
Love Forever,
Your Mommy



When we told our kids what had happened, they were so sweet and understanding. They asked a lot of questions and showed a lot of sadness. It surprised me to hear how much they actually understood. The first things they said was "Is that baby in heaven with Jesus?" How amazing it was so really show them the plan of salvation and reassure them that we would see this baby again. Michael has been unbelievably supportive, he is just as heartbroken as I am and he is doing everything he can to bring peace to our home. I was out of town on vacation with the kids in San Diego when I lost the baby, and he drove out immediately to be with me. I'm so lucky he's mine.

We were able to have to rare experience of getting to have this sweet baby's body to bury. We hold this experience very sacred and we wanted to do something special with it. We bought an orange tree and planted it in a big pot, we buried the baby in there so that it can be a part of the tree and we can see that tree every day and know that the baby is safe and happy.

Things will get easier, but this memory and pain will never go away. We are trying to have faith and dwell on the fact that we know where the baby is and we know Heavenly Fathers spirit is with us.