Maybe in a few years when I have forgotten about all this and considering another baby, I'll be glad I wrote this down. I just feel the need to document my life right now. Its not all that uplifting but i'll try and be as entertaining as possible.
I am about 16 weeks pregnant. Thats 4 months. I have been sick every single day for the last 4 months. Now, this sickness is not anything that can be described. Its a whole body sickness, muscle aches, head aches, upset stomach, heartburn, stuffy nose, sore back, insomnia, it's just lovely. I don't know how our brains literally forget how bad this is when we're thinking of having another baby. But every time I go through this I think "What was I thinking?" This is the SIXTH time I have gone through this. SIXTH. My brain must really have this forgetting super power.
I don't clean my house because I literally don't have the energy to do it. I look at the dirty dishes that need to be done and think to myself "Meh, I don't want to do that at all" Then I don't. I have piles of clean laundry all over the house because I hate putting it away. (this is a non pregnant problem I have too) The carpet cleaner is currently sitting in my hall full of dirty water from cleaning the stairs, I walk past it literally 10 times a day and don't do a thing about it. It needs to be emptied and put away, but I just think I'll do it later. Its been there for 4 days.
Getting out of bed in the morning is comical. My alarm goes off at 7:30 to get the kids to school by 8. Trying to pry my eyes open and keep them open is a trial. Then actually sitting up takes about 10 minutes. Between a sore back and having to pee every hour at night, I don't get much sleep. I require a lot of sleep. Thats just the way it is. Sleep is my kryponite and thats a well know fact in my family. So I roll out of bed, go down stairs and make sure hair is brushed, lunches are packed and everyone is ready. I walk out the door in my pajamas with no shoes on and my hair looking like a rock star and drive the kids to school. It's extra awesome when they are a few minutes late and I have to walk into the front office to sign them in looking the way I do. (which is what happened today due to a dead car battery.) On days that I don't have errands to run I come back home and eat some breakfast, make sure the little kids have breakfast and plop back down on the couch while the two littles play until I have the will to get up.
Dinner time is extra fun because I start feeling worse around 4 every day. So cooking anything makes me want to vomit. (which I actually never do, not a puker) Half the time my kids have a free for all in the kitchen which consists of them scrambling some eggs and making some rice. Some nights they're lucky and get cereal. Don't get me wrong, I do cook for them on occasion, pancakes totally count as cooking.
Getting dressed in actual clothes is a myth. Like a unicorn. I do it for church or if I have some kind of appointment to go to. My belly is getting bigger every day and clothes are getting tighter and tighter. Maxi dresses and skirts are wonderful if I must wear something presentable. Not to mention it is one thousand degrees here. (Arizona) Half the reason I don't move much during the day is I'm just not willing to make my body any warmer by exerting energy. Being sick is hard, being sick and hot is just not acceptable. So my AC bill is amazing. I just love it.
The only things that sound good to me these days is usually fast food items. Hamburgers, french fries, tacos...bring it all to me. Sugar does not sound good to me, thankfully. I usually have a major sweet tooth. Now soda and candy sound like poison. Grocery shopping is another fun outing. Everything I look at grosses me out. I end up buying bagels, popcorn, and cereal. Not a well balanced food supply. If I could hire someone to grocery shop for me, I would.
People ask me how I'm feeling and I smile and say "I'm okay" sometimes holding back tears because we are suppose to, as mothers, bear this burden without complaint. It is part of bringing life into this world. It is the sacrifice we make to be able to have these sweet spirits. If we complain, we appear ungrateful. But I say this is hard work and its okay to have a bad day. It doesn't mean I am any less up for the challenge. I know I can do it, sometimes it just requires some tears, a lot of sleep and a huge bowl of ice cream. We get extra points in heaven for going through morning sickness. (all day sickness)
For reals though, I am miserable. But I'm allowed to complain and whine and be completely sarcastic only because I know how ridiculously, outrageously, blessed I am. This little parasite in me is a miracle and a reminder to me every day of the importance of families. I do have some amazing things going for me as well, my mother is paying for one of my young women to come for an hour every day after school and do whatever I need her to do. Its a life saver. I have her fold laundry, clean the play room, play games with the kids, anything that needs to be done. Its fabulous. The sister missionaries in my ward also offer to come help me clean once a week. They deep clean my kitchen and thats a miracle right there. I have also been blessed to have people bringing us dinner every once and a while, which I feel really guilty about, but I'm not going to turn it down. Its very welcomed and I'm sure my kids like eating real food. And then theres my husband who works all day and then comes home and helps me out and rubs my neck when I get migraines, which is a lot. I'll read a story to my kids when all I want to do is go to bed. Give as many hugs as I can and remind them that I do love them even when I'm laying down all day. Because they are the reminders to me that what I'm doing every day is totally worth it.
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